almost the end of the year.

so as the year closes, i feel the events that are leading up to the new year have all been on such a down note. first off, a person that i felt i had started getting close to has left me out in the cold and dark with my mind constantly pondering the question of why?, resulting in my changed perception of the folks i meet or believe i know. second, my uncle passing, which results with the visions and sounds of my auntie and cousins crying which further results in a not so cheery xmas. and third, to add to the not so cheery xmas, my grandma, who is my mom's mom, passes away on xmas morning, which results with the visions and sounds of my mom crying. all this heartache within just the last few weeks has really been putting a number on my heart and soul. at the same time, the pain has just been building throughout the year, with all the different ways the people i care about in my life have taken a blow in some shape or form during the year, added to whatever disappointments i've had to face as well.
in terms of celebrating the new year, due to my parents heading out to virginia to be with my grandma and not returning till after the new year, my sister had to cancel her housewarming/NYE party, so with that, the spirit of celebrating got taken down a few notches again. i'm wondering now, if any of my cousins will be throwing something, if i want to be celebrating with other folks, or if i want to not celebrate at all. obviously right now, i'm just not in the mood, but i do want to believe 2010 will be a better year, or rather, should i say it will be a better year, in the spirit of staying positive and optimistic.
right now i'm just trying to find my way to go about my day to day, to find that path, i thought i was on, that would lead me to smiles, laughter, and sunshine with some snow. i truly feel more lost with no certain direction, not to say that my direction was for certain, but i used to feel certain about the things i do, but nowadays i question even those things.
so hopefully in these last few days of 2009 i find that spirit to celebrate, or that connection with folks, or that feeling of doing what i love and loving what i do, or just simply that smile to bring back the warmth in my heart and soul, the music in/of my life.